Okay, if you’re really serious about your sniping,
the first thing you want to get rid of is the flameless ration heater, (FRH.)
It’s just dead weight, because you’re not going to get a chance to use it
anyways. You’re in a pipe or tube of underbrush, you’re under your rug, or you
are literally in a culvert. You can’t move around too much. What are you going
to do, cook lunch under your rifle barrel? You can’t even roll over, sit up and
cook behind you. It’s just unrealistic to expect that.
The thing takes twelve minutes to heat anything.
It’s a chemical reaction. If you have to move quickly, this is what we call 'a dead give-away' in the industry, just a little insider's kind of joke, but you don’t want to leave
it behind, and you can’t stick it in your pocket or your pouch when it’s
reacting. Leave it at home. Eat the beef teriyaki, chicken breast or vegetarian
meal cold. These meals are precooked, and there is nothing in there that is
going to hurt you. The peanut butter and the bread are okay, bear in mind that
peanut butter has a distinctive smell. Spread it with your thumb. Lick it off, and
you’re good to go. You can just squeeze the stuff out onto the bread and wrap
it around. No mess. Clean up all that packaging ASAP and double-bag it. Seal it
well; pretend it is your own poop and you’ll get the idea. No squishy leaks in
your gear. Don't leave stuff lying on the ground when you're with me, it just pisses me off.
If Victor
Charlie smells your poop, that’s one thing, if he smells peanut butter,
that’s bad news for you.
Same thing goes for Achmed the Sailor’s Son. Respect your enemy. They are anything but
stupid.
Smoking is bad for you, incidentally. That goes a
hundred times over in our present circumstances. If you try and sneak off for a
smoke, I will shoot you myself…trust me on that one. That’s why I carry the
silenced .25.
(Don’t ever fuck with me on that one. You are an
apprentice. Someday you get to make the rules—if you live long enough. By then
(and only then) you will know how to look after your people.)
You can get rid of all excess packaging. Weight is
the enemy, or one of them. This includes the cardboard on the chili and
macaroni. You’ll need a sharp little pocketknife to open the stuff. I don’t
chew gum, and anything that has a strong smell should be removed and disposed
of.
You should have two plastic canteens. If you want to
premix the juice crystals, sports drink or whatever, always keep one canteen pure,
fresh water. Just so you know, you don't want to wash out my wounds with Gatorade. I promise not to wash out yours with grape flavoured Kool-Aid. Okay? Keep it full, right to the top so it doesn’t gurgle too much on
the way in. You will not carry any plastic bottle with a snap-seal type of lid, unless you
have already cracked the seal and then re-tightened it.
Beef jerky. Jerky is tasty but it’s also salty. This
has its uses in hot and arid climates as salt is essential to the body, however
the packaging crinkles and can be noisy as hell in stressful situations. Taking
it out of the original packaging and putting it into something less rigid and
‘snappy’ may be helpful.
Raisins. Unlike oranges for example, they don’t have
a strong smell. They’re dry, not sticky, and they make a nice chew which is
good on a long day. Dried apricots and peaches are okay. Bridge mix is okay. No
hard rock candy, that goes without saying.
It's kind of like saying, 'no phones.'
Right?
Right.
Tootsie rolls. They come with the MRE, again, a nice
taste in a product that is dry, not sticky and makes a nice chew. It’s in there
for a while, and you can think on it.
Chewy
granola bars. You can take them out of the package
and carry them in baggies. Too many will cause issues.
Dried fruits and vegetables are all good, as they
swell up in the stomach but bear in mind they’re also going to make you shit
sooner or later. Soft
fruit bars.
 |
| Muttley > The meatloaf is great, the beef okay. |
Cheese is good, and those moldy sort of smells
aren’t so noticeable in the outdoors as there is plenty of decay and ferment in
season or in certain environments; e.g. the jungle setting.
One of my favourite motifs, ladies and gentlemen.
That's a joke, soldier. I don't tell many from this point on, so laugh now while you still can.
Day one, bologna sandwiches, which are boring and
insipid anywhere else, are fine and dandy. Soft white bread and a bit of
mustard, and make sure you put them on the top of the load.
Biscuits are fine if they’re small and they crumble
quietly in the mouth. Garibaldi
biscuits are good when nice and fresh. It’s a bit like Fig Newtons
in that too many cause issues. They are good as part of a balanced,
three-to-five-day menu. Soft cookies are good if the packaging is nice and
quiet. Packaging that is dull and matte-coloured, (I saw some individually
wrapped chocolate-chip cookies recently in a soft red package) is better than something
that’s all shiny, silver and hard to open with minimal effort. The best form of
packaging is probably a good, old-fashioned, re-sealable sandwich baggy.
Slim
Jims
and pepperettes. These are fine although the pepperettes
and Slim Jims do have garlic. They can be removed from noisy or shiny packaging
and carried in baggies. They’re better than jerky in that they have some
moisture in them. Any kind of shredded meat product will require a toothpick if
your teeth aren’t the best.
It’s safe to say that big, red, crunchy apples are
not okay. Chips, strictly a no-no, as are cheese doodles and all of that loud,
squeaky, shiny-plastic-bag-type foods. That’s for cub-camp.
There are no good aluminum pop-top cans, and there
is no reason to bring a regular can opener as you won’t be needing it. Glass
bottles are a no-no.
Alcoholic beverages are a no-no.
Deodorant, perfume, hair-spray, mousse, shaving
creams, are strictly no-no.
You will not brush your teeth for three days, maybe
longer, so leave the toothpaste behind. It’s just dead weight.
You will not use a few of these personal hygiene
items for twenty-four to forty-eight hours prior to leaving.
You can brush your
teeth with baking soda immediately prior to departure or use the wet brush
alone. You may take the toothbrush with you.
You will not wash your clothing in any kind of soap
or scented fabric softener. Just use water. In fact it’s better not to wash the
clothes for months at a time. Let it air out if you do. Don’t just take it out
of the drawer, all smelling of mothballs, and put it on.
Anything involving a tree may be considered a suicide
mission. Not our job, thankfully.
 |
| Meal heater. Get rid of it. It's useless. |
I don’t know about you, but my skin is extremely precious.
It’s even got a bounty on it in certain
jurisdictions…the less said about that, the better.
If you would like to do an experiment, next time you
want to open a can of beans, turn off all noises in the home; TV, radio, washer
and dryer. Turn off all the lights and close all the curtains. When you’re set
to do it, have the can on the hard countertop and the simple, hand-cranked
opener in your hand, all ready to go.
Listen to the sounds all around you. Close your eyes
and listen some more.
Now open the can. It is a sound that can’t be
mistaken for anything else.
You can try another can (say corn) on a towel or a pot
holder.
It still makes a lot of frickin’ noise, doesn’t it? It
would be the same, even if you did it on the soft forest floor.
And if you heard such a noise, you would know exactly
what it was, wouldn’t you? Because we’ve all heard it a million times before.
Truly alien
noises are just as bad.
You want to keep a low profile and blend into the
background.
If it was extremely quiet out there, and someone was
really paying attention, how far away do you think they could hear that can of
beans being opened? You could hear it a hundred metres away and probably much
farther under good hearing conditions.
Leave the matches and lighters at home.
The list goes on, ladies and gentlemen. On and on
and on and on…like how to crap in a plastic bag, or pissing in a bottle, (and
what to do with it afterwards*), without even hardly moving. Another good one is
making sure you don’t leave a damned thing behind, and other neat stuff like
that. There is such a thing as counter-sniper
tactics. Sometimes they’re out there watching for you. Guys have been stepped on, and lived.
Guys have been tripped on, and lived, ah, not to talk too much about it.
Capiche?
Guys have been tripped on, and lived, ah, not to talk too much about it.
Capiche?
 |
| Keep the coffee & sugar, we drink it cold in a plastic cup. |
Who knows, maybe that’ll be our little job someday,
eh?
We’ll talk about that some other time.
In the meantime, get your shit together.
We’re heading out in two minutes.
END
* guys have been popped because they stood and pissed against a dry tree trunk. It really is a characteristic sign, being so high off the ground and so big. A couple of boot-prints in the soft humus underneath and Bob's your uncle.
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